zen and anger

[ljgeoff]

This was helpful to read today. It's long, so I'll put it under a cut.

Anger and emotions also reside in our bodies and tend to get stuck there. In the Zen Buddist tradition we have a precept about anger: "A disciple of the Buddha does not harbor anger." Anger happens. It's not a sin or a problem to be angry, but our committment is not to harbor or hold on to that anger, not to encourage it or to make more of it than is necessary. So when anger arises and you feel "Oh, this is anger -- it's unpleasant, it's difficult," you can say to yourself, "I actually don't want to continue to make more of it."

When you feel the anger in yourself, you observe the kinds of behaviors that suddenly spring out of you in relationship to the anger, and you realize the effect of that behavior on the people around you -- your partner probably doesn't react that well when you're speaking or acting out of anger. The more anger comes back, you can see the whole process unfold, and you begin to understand it. You just keep working steadily with your awareness until your realize that when anger arises, your practice is to feel it and pay attention to it. You don't need to eliminate it or make it go away. All you have to do is pay attention -- and not get caught by your anger, not get hooked by it, not flail around. You create space within yourself so that the anger can be there, but it doesn't have to be seized and used. It can be your friend, your pet. It doesn't have to be your mean nasty boss.
It's a gradual process but once you get the hang of it, you appreciate you suffering and discomfort, because it the the suffering and discomfort that gives you the incentive to let go of the anger. At some point you realize, "I can't go on this way anymore, this is so repetitive, habitual, and unpleasant that I really have to stop doing this." As I said, this is a process; it takes time. We will make many mistakes, getting angy and losing ourselves many times. "Oops, I did it again -- okay, I know I don't want to do that." Gently talking to ourselves in this way, little by little, things change for us.

You can say to the person you lashed out at, "I'm sorry. I'm not saying that you were right. All I'm saying is that I don't want to be angry, and that my angry response is not what I want to do." Every time you make an apology like that it helps you, so that little by little you won't need to apologize because you'll no longer be lashing out in reaction. You still may feel the anger, but you're not reacting to it, so you're not strengthening it and you're not creating more reactivity. Eventually, you get to the place where there's less anger, and then maybe there isn't any anger. The same thing that someone said to you two years ago that made you angry -- that made you angry all your life -- now doesn't make you angry. If it's something that should not be said to you because no one should speak that way to another human being, then you can say without anger, "You know what, you shouldn't talk that way to me. That's a bad way for people to address one another. And I would never address yout that way." Without anger you can do that. That would probably be more effective than lashing out and starting this whole repetitive chain of events in which both hearts are inflamed and uncomfortable.

One way to deal with anger and strong emotions is to talk to yourself. Somebody in you knows how to practice gently. Take a minute and have a little conversation with yourself; I think it's good if you speak out loud. The part of you that knows can talk to your ego and say, "You don't have to get caught up in your anger, do you? Do you really want to be angry?" It's a very powerful practice to have a conversation with yourself out loud. You'll be surprised at what good advice you can give yourself if you would only listen!

-- Norman Fischer, co-abbot San Francisco Zen center, "Solid Ground -- Buddhist Wisdom for Difficult Times"

Comments

[sonia]

Thanks for posting this, it was a good time for me to read it.

I recently had to give one of those, "I feel bad about saying that in anger" apologies. On the upside, it was good to notice that it had been a long time since I last had something spill out of me in anger.

[ljgeoff]

I often get angry. Not the shouty, foot-stomping angry, but the cold, teeth-clenched angry. I react; I flail. I'd like the idea of making anger my pet. That made me smile.

[amaebi]

Anger can also be a very useful messenger.

[ljgeoff]

Yes, that was one of the useful things I learned at alt.poly. I think it was Serene, Stef, or maybe Piranha -- probably all of them. But I mean, that was the first time I learned about anger as a warning system, as a way to know that something wasn't right.

I wasn't allowed to be angry when I was a kid, and my anger tends to be pre' dysfunctional. I'm getting better at it, though.

[amaebi]

I cut off my access to anger when I was fifteen, as an emergency measure, and then realized in my thirties that I needed to be able to be angry again-- so I definitely know where you're coming from! Anger the messenger helped me a lot. :)