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I need to sleep but I've been having nightmares. And not the kind where you can't find the room for your final exam or the one where you're taking the test in your underwear, but really gruesome blood and guts nightmares. Bleh.

I worked a lot this week, 52 hours in the last 7 days. I wrote a paper, did about 6 hours of homework, and went to my 12 hour clinical at the hospital yesterday. The homework and paper haven't been graded yet, so I"m still holding at an 85%; I expect it to go up a tick when those are graded.

I'm not as well prepared for today's test as I'd like. We're being tested on 6 different types of anemia, blood cancers, and 8 different autoimmune diseases. There's gonna be a lot of compare and contrast stuff, which isn't my strong suit because it's a lot of rote memorization and at this point in my life I rather suck at rote memorization.

So, turn in my clinical report before noon and a 2 hour exam at 2pm. Tomorrow I'll finish up the 3-4 hours of homework and go to the last lecture of this section, followed by a 1 hr small group discussing our community nursing experience.

Tomorrow evening I'll write up a bunch of study cards for the car and then we're off for the U.P. for October Birthday Bash!

First, to get it out of the way, I did *really* crappy on my first test of the semester. I've mentioned a couple of times that I must get 81% overall in the exams to pass the course. This semester is split into two courses, and I must pass the first one to move on to the second one. A person can only fail one class; a second failure and you will not be continuing on.

So far, I haven't failed a class. I did have to drop out for a semester when I injured my knee, but that doesn't count. There are four exams, with the first three being worth 50 points each, and the fourth cumulative exam worth 75 points. I must average 81% across all four exams to pass this course.

On the first test, I scored a 70%. I've never done so poorly. It still possible for me to pass, but it'll be tough.

I really don't want to do this, Sam-I-Am. I do not like it here or there. I do not like it anywhere.

*sigh*

Mike asked what he could do to help me pass. I said that I might be able to pass if I moved out and only worked on this from now until December -- no kids, no housework, no Chris, no job. Which isn't possible.

The next test is next Monday, and I have a 12 hour clinical on Friday, and then work 12 hour days on Saturday and Sunday. On the other hand, I have today and Thursday off. On the other hand, laundry needs doing and I have Chris to watch.

The main problem is that I'm having a really hard time concentrating on *anything*.

I just don't know if I can do this. Worse, I really don't want to. But I figure I might as well continue on and see how far forward I can get. If I fail this class, I'll reenter in January and see if I can graduate. I'm very willful.

I passed my test with a 92.42%, which gives me a likely 86.56% in the course. I got a 3.5. Huh.

All went well, and overall life is good. Today in class, we had to do one of those getting-to-know-you thingys, and where it asked what my long-term goal was, I wrote: Save the world and make a living too.

Really, that's what it boils down to.

I think that the first half of the semester will be fine, and I think that the second half of the semester will be stressful -- because now we're doing Mental Health and that's my shtick, and next is pediatrics, where I have to memorize a bunch of stuff (vital signs for each age group, and the dreaded lab result ranges) and memorization is difficult with this swiss cheese brain of mine. We shall see; I'm very willful.

Schedule-wise, I'll be working at the jail clinic on Saturday, Sunday, and Mondays, and going to class on Tuesday and Wednesdays from 0900 to 1200, with odd simulation labs and Leadership Seminars on Thursdays, and a twelve hour clinical at the psych ward on Fridays.

I'm going to be spending Tues, Wed, and Thur at my grandson's school, from 1300-1600, helping in class and helping out after school with a homework club and maybe teaching some flute.

Anyway, so far, so good.

So I read on the website that I could get non-official results for my NCLEX test in 48 hours. It has now been 48 hours, and when I plugged in my name, there was no results. Cue hyperventilation.

I went back and googled how long it would take to get the results, and it's 48 business hours.

Sheesh.

In other news, my knee hurts like a bitch and now I've got some nerve pain going on from a probable compressed femoral nerve. Damnit. I need to find some time to just sit and write for a while. It helps.

Today I passed the first level of nursing school. I did it with the help and support of a large group of friends and family. I did it at the age of 55 with much less memory function than I am used to having, while working 40 hrs a week, and raising our second batch of preschoolers. While my 27-year relationship fell apart around me.

I did it because I'm willful, resilient, and clever. And I did it because I had all of you who have helped both emotionally and financially to support me in this year.

Damn the torpedoes!

The next step is to take the LPNclex; our instructors have informed us that the program has a 100% passing rate for the LPN test, and I will certainly not be the first one to fail it. It is a pass/fail test, and I will be taking it in about six weeks.

85.93% -- which is wonderful. (that paper about diabetes and exercise vs. meds? Got a 100%) Still, a bit aggravating to be so close to a 3.5, and yet so far away. *sigh* Next is maternity and labor, and long term care -- which goes until the last week of April, and then I'll be eligible to take the LPNCLEX, and if I pass that, I'll be an LPN.

Over the summer, I'll have pediatrics and mental health rotations, and in the fall, I'll have medical-surgical. And then I'll be an RN.

I was just offered an LPN position with the home care company that I've picked up for evening hours. I really like them, and if we can swing it, if the hours work out, I'm going to take them up on it.

But I'm tired like whoa.

I'm working too much. Again. I dunno, it keeps me away from home and I'm too tired to brood. Today we had a test in my Acute Care class. I did alright, and with 48% of the grade in, I have an 86.86%. I'll take it.

I GOT A 94% ON MY FINAL. WHICH MEANS THAT I PASSED. I PASSED WITH AN 85.36% HOLY SHIT, I PASSED.

A few of my project grades have come in. At this point and with two more tests (Dec 2 and Dec 9), I have an 84.5%. This doesn't mean that I've passed; I've got a 79.6% on my lecture grade, and I need an 81%. For you numbers people, the lecture grade is a little over 68% of the overall grade. The clinical grade is pass/fail and is weighted as 1 point out of 589.

But it heartens me to know that if I do pass, I'll do so with, at minimum, an 85%.

I don't know if I can express how stressed out I am. I'm trying to keep level, meditate and just calmly go over the material, a little bit each day. When I am Queen of the World, nursing will be all hands-on apprenticeships.