worth

[ljgeoff]

I had a communication with one of my partners today that made me think about how I see myself in terms of "valuable to my beloveds".

I notice that I have a lot of guilt issues floating around inside of me. I think that this comes from feeling that I haven't done anything to deserve the wealth of love that I am showered with. Deluged with. I mean, obviously, Someone has made a mistake, because there is nothing about me that warrants this bounty.

One day these poor sods will notice that they don't have to put up with my not-good-enoughness and they will throw their hands up in the air and storm off, declaring to all and sundry that why they ever put up with me is beyond them...

Unfortunately, this lack of appreciation of my own awesomeness causes me to act in a less than ideal fashion. Indeed, looking at it from a distance, I can see that it's an insult to my partners to think they would treat me so shabbily or to think that they would give their love and honor to someone they didn't believe in.

hmmm. hmmm.

There is something there, too, about being afraid of anger. "But he will be mad at me" -- has always been the great bugaboo, the T Rex in the closet. "He" will scream at me and my mind will go blank with terror and I'll be crying so hard that I can't talk and that will make him even more angry. I've had a man or two use that wicked piece of kryptonite against me to great effect.

And, again, the idea that any of my beloved partners would sink to such depths is laughable; to believe it, an insult.

So, an open letter to my partners:

Beloved Man,
Thank you for being patient with me. I love you.
~Me

Comments

A kind of upside down way of looking at it

[firecat]

I think people more or less can't help loving at least a few other people, so it's not as if a person needs to have special worth to be loved. A person can be ordinary and imperfect and still be loved - that's easy and natural.

[anansi133.livejournal.com]

Someone has made a mistake, because there is nothing about me that warrants this bounty.

Except, (I'm sure you know this on some level) Love doesn't work that way. You don't have to earn love. You can't earn love. It's like trying to earn sunshine, air, or rain.

It's the ability to receive love that merits work... it's as if we all start out with lung problems, vitamin D deficiencies, or allergies to water. The stuff is all around us wanting in, but our ability to metabolize it needs help.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

*sigh* I have been listening to this message for years, but what I hear is Lord, I am not worth to receive you, but only say the word, and my soul will be healed.

You don't have to earn love. You can't earn love. It's like trying to earn sunshine, air, or rain.

Quote file?

I just had an epiphany: I think I rebel against that thought because it means that it's all out of my control -- heh, except my inner self... hmmm.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

I had a friend once talk about the anger issue. "But then he'll be angry!" was her response to something. Someone, a counselor (or hell, maybe the non-present author of a self-help book) then asked "and then what?"

She suddenly realized she didn't have an answer... it was like, "no, you don't understand, he'll be angry!." That was the end of the world, the horrible scenario that had to be avoided at all costs. And, of course, the real answer is, if he got angry, she'd do whatever was appropriate to the situation.

It might be awful and painful, it might disrupt her life for ever after, but it wasn't the end of the world. She'd be there, to do the next thing, whatever it was.

For me, well, I sometimes worry about being unworthy of the love I'm given, but the same rule kinda-sorta applies. "And what if all my friends abandon me? I can't imagine that happening, but what if? Well... I'll do whatever seems appropriate. I'll keep going."

The same thing I'd do if I was blinded, or lost both my legs (two of my nightmares), or whatever other tragedy that can be imagined.