feh

[ljgeoff]

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed this morning.

First, I didn't get into the nursing program - again. The Northern Michigan Univ. GPA cutoff for 2007 was 3.06, and I have a 3.12; I was sure that I'd make it. But the 2008 cutoff was 3.2, so no luck. Well, I thought, I'll just go to Bay Community College - a bit of a commute, but doable. Nope. They take the applicants from Delta County first, and filled up before they got to my ranking.

I feel like such a fucking failure. NMU has separate tracks for the LPN and BSN programs, with different prerequisites. I've got the prereq's for the BSN but not the LPN program, so I just signed up for those and I'll retake Chemistry, since that was my only C (um, except for the D I got in Blacksmithing (I can't believe I let myself get a D in fucking blacksmithing), but I can't retake that till Winter Semester.)

I have never felt so completely stymied.

Secondly. Hrm. Ok, there's this little drive-through coffee shop a block away from my house. It closed down last spring and the owners put a "For Lease" sign. I thought about it pretty thoroughly, talked to the boys, talked to Mike, and decided to take our bathroom-remodeling money and go for it. It's going ok, I like it, we're breaking even -- but it's a lot of work. We've been open for a week, and we're breaking even.. barely. I'm pretty damn sure that it'll pick up and really, how cool is it to be working in a coffee place with nothing to do but mix lattes and write? It's pretty damn cool.

But Mike is all like - Why do you have to do everything the hard way? Why can't you just get a normal job, punch a time clock and not have to sit in a coffee shop all day? I'm frustrated with him, he's frustrated with me -- he pulled a rather low blow last night about Luke "raising himself," probably the only thing in my life that I actually feel somewhat guilty about (but, damn, I can fucking see my house from here, and Luke can come to talk to me whenever he wants, and how cool is it when your mom owns a soft-serve machine?)

Mike and I talked last night, and we apologized and we're pretty good except for bending and folding all of the shapes that don't quite fit. I'm such a odd person. I told Mike that my relationship goal was to not need anything from him at all. He didn't understand. I tried to explain it and couldn't get the words to work. Feh.

All the things that I do, I look at it all and I can see how crazy it looks -- I could feed my own kids better if I wasn't feeding three or four extra kids, my house is always an insane mess, my kids never see me, I can't have a normal relationship, why the hell did I get another dog (with issues), my kid is having a kid, and I am always, always broke.

But there is absolutely nothing that I can see changing. Ok, I really shouldn't have got the dog, but it really seemed like a good idea at the time. I tried to tell Mike yesterday that all of this insane-looking stuff is what keeps me as sane as I am. He even understands a little, but can't help wishing that I'd just be a little bit more normal.

But this is it: I revel in the bright chaos of my life.

Comments

[epi-lj.livejournal.com]

This sort of thing seems integral to who you are, and I think that if everybody punched a clock and took home their paycheque and sad on the comfy couch and watched TV, the world would be a boring place. Those people are okay, too, of course. I'm closer to them than to you in a lot of ways. But it takes all sorts, and people living chaotic lives and pushing themselves in crazy ways are an important part of that mix.

Also, breaking even after only a week in business is *awesome*. I gather most businesses take a couple of years to break even.

I'm really sorry to hear about the school thing, but you're not a *failure*. I mean, you would have gotten in last year! And it sounds like you already have a plan of attack for dealing with this.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I should tell you that I love you.

[saxomofo.livejournal.com]

Speaking of the coffee shop... I make a lot of baked goods. I specialize in fancy cupcakes and biscotti. (My next venture is going to be bagels, but I haven't perfected that quite yet.) I was wondering if you would like to partner up and sell some of that at your coffee shop? Sometime I could run by with a sample of my work if you want. Let me know! :)

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

Bring some! I've been wanting to do big muffins, but I can't seem to get it together enough.

[saxomofo.livejournal.com]

I dropped off half a dozen muffins with your son. It was a recipe-experiment I made just for you this morning. I jokingly call them The Elvis Muffins because they are chocolate peanut butter muffins with chopped banana and a swirl or peanutbutter cream on top. :)

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

Yes! We tried one and they were great! And what's-his-name-your-husband just dropped off the cinn. strudel, too. Yea for muffins!

[saxomofo.livejournal.com]

lol. I gave him a script. He was supposed to 1. Ask for Lisa. 2. Tell you he was Brandon, my husband. 3. Give you muffins.

He failed at 2. lmao

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

This is how it went: 1) Car drives up and I say "Hi! What can I get you?" 2) Man in car offers me muffins 3) I say "Oh! Muffins!" make the connection and say, "Wonderful! Ah, yes, now I recognize you!" and search frantically in aged brain for his name. Not coming up with name, I blurt "How much does Tina suggest we ask for these?" -- just so he knows that I know that he belongs to Tina and I know why I'm getting muffins....

[saxomofo.livejournal.com]

What a nerd...Even with a script he still hoses it up. lol (And those are all just samples so, feel free to let the wild children that roam in your house chow down on them. ;) Hey....they could be my taste testers for my new recipes...Hmmmm!)

We should get together sometime and talk about ideas for what variety of muffins you want, pricing, ect. (I am assuming you DO want them, that is...)

[elissaann.livejournal.com]

You're so amazing.

BTW, do you know how amazing it is that your coffee shop is breaking even the first week? Ask around. Watch people's jaws drop when you tell them.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

I have a pretty damn good setup, which is why I went for it -- turnkey operation, reasonable rent and utilities, very motivated landlord (he overextended). I consider my pay for this month to be sweat-equity, but by the end of July, I expect to be making enough to pay someone so I don't have to work every day.

[anansi133.livejournal.com]

Wow, a grown-up lemonade stand, how cool is that? I've always wondered how that soft-serve stuff works, do you put in the same syrups that you use for the coffee flavoring? I used to drive by a coffee stand that advertised a zillion flavors of soft serve, and I wondered.

Something I'm running into with the new family here: tavalon can be just as impulsive as I am, and there's usually only room for one of us to get away with it.

I think it's awesome that you're breaking even on the first week. How far away is your competition?

We had a "pay it forward" day a while back, at some of the drive through stands. The story was that the last people to drive through had paid for theirs and also the next person's as well. Would you like to keep it going? The chain went all day, or so the story goes.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

we have this gizmo that attaches to the soft serve machine called "flavor burst" - gives us a zillion flavors. Haven't tried it in any of the coffees, though.

Pay it forward idea sounds pretty cool.

[saxomofo.livejournal.com]

The mocha cappucino flavor burst in iced coffee is AWESOME. Just sayin'. lol

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

But Mike is all like - Why do you have to do everything the hard way? Why can't you just get a normal job, punch a time clock and not have to sit in a coffee shop all day?

I once saw a puzzle, started thinking about it, threw out some ideas (it was on a Usenet newsgroup, I think) and the next day, while I was still kinda chewing the puzzle over, some (expletive deleted) had created this long, complicated solution that generalized the problem and given a solution for any set of different values you plugged in (or proved that the puzzle wouldn't work under those circumstances).

And I was annoyed; they'd just ruined the problem for me. Knowing there *was* such an answer out there made it feel like it was a matter of knowledge, not cleverness.

(Hey, don't tell me I was being silly; I know. I'm just reporting how I felt at the time. I'm different now, anyway.)

At the same time, if there weren't clever folks with a love of grinding the answer to mathematical perfection, we'd lose an incredibly valuable resource.

Sure, you're doing things the hard way. So what? People who can fall in love with an idea, and chase it, and maybe make it work, are an incredibly valuable resource. But I can also understand how it can feel annoying to someone who thinks "well, why can't you just get an ordinary job?"

(NB: I'm not saying it's good to *express* that annoyance. But I can understand him *having* it... do you understand what I mean?)

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

But I can understand him *having* it... do you understand what I mean?

Yep. I really do understand. But I gotta say I ... have no sympathy for his annoyance. Perhaps that is one big reason why we're butting heads.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Nod. And even insofar as I sympathize with him having it, it's really his problem, not yours... certainly nothing for him to press you about. (Did I make that clear in the first message? I'm never sure about stuff like that when I go into one of those rambles.)