(no subject)

[ljgeoff]

There's a guy at the center, a client, who got into a small yelling match with one of the other counselors:

"You can't tell me what to do! Nobody can tell me what to do! They couldn't tell me what to do in jail and you can't tell me what to do!"

The counselor replied, "There are rules, and if you don't follow the rules, you get in trouble!"

It's odd, because I've always been that kid. This job, it's ... swirling me all up inside and I feel stupid and wise at the same time.

Last week, a client at the center was talking about a stupid rule, and I said, not even thinking about it, "Sometimes the rules aren't about anything but teaching you to follow the rules." And then stopped. Were did that come from?

I realize that for most folks this is embarrassingly simple. It's like I never learned my multiplication tables, and now when I'm saying "gee, it's so much easier to memorize 5X4 than to add five up four times in my head" and everyone around me is giving me pitying looks.

Of course there are rules, and of course if we don't follow them, we might get into trouble. And that's so not the issue. And it is. I work again tonight, and will corner this kid over a game of cards and talk about rules and choices. That it's not about following rules, it's about choice. It's about owning your power to chose.

Comments

[badgerbag.livejournal.com]

Knowing how not to follow the rules is often super helpful and a great skill to have. Which maybe stood some of them in good stead. You might get the kid over cards to talk about when not following the rules was the smart, clever, best thing to do and it helped. Then can respect/acknowledge their skill and point out there might be times when rules are helpful or at the least, when not following them means you get fucked over.

i feel the same way about having epiphanies that other people find obvious. like "Manners!" or "Oh so THAT's why we have small talk!"

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

*grin* Most of the people I know are pretty good at knowing how not to follow the rules, as they aren't currently in jail or prison.

Oh! That *other* not following the rules, so the rest of the world doesn't roll over us! Yes, that is an important skill. How to do that and not end up arrested is a good skill.

You are so right that it's well worthwhile to acknowledge that knowing how and when to not follow the rules is a survival skill.

Most of the people in treatment are pretty run over. They had to make incredible survival choices from a very young age. They had to break rules so that they could keep their personalities and their bodies intact, and that doesn't get acknowledged enough. I think that a lot of them have had to break so many rules that they (I) have internalized the message that we're rule breakers; rules are there to kill you, figuratively or literally.

Thank you so much for your comment. It's weird for me that I know this stuff on such a visceral level that I can't put it in words until someone gives me a nudge.

[rosey-jo.livejournal.com]

Oh tell me about it. A few of my 6-year-olds and I are having similar kinds of issues. I'll tell you what, though, they seem to feel much better (eventually) after they test their boundaries and find where they are, and that I'm still there keeping them safe. Of course that is for 6-year-olds. But it is the same thing in terms of freedom to choose. "It is all Shea's fault" or "Vinny did it first" or "Kaden told me to do it" .... this doesn't fly for the child who is newly aware of their ever-increasing abilities. Younger children really can't help but imitate, but these older ones are mostly testing the waters. The worst part for me is when they think something is not fair, because I always like to be fair. But what is appropriate for one child is not for another, especially with the age differences. Anyway, two cents from a kindergarten teacher.

[ljgeoff.livejournal.com]

It's been a real struggle for me to find my boundaries. Your 'being fair' comment made me smile. I just had a little talk with a client about how the world does not owe her 'fair.'

Kindergarten teachers rock.

[audreylucero.livejournal.com]

Oh hell yeah! That's my Lisa! Hah hah hah!
"Sometimes the rules aren't about anything but teaching you to follow the rules."

I feel that way too. It reminds me in a way of how shaming only teaches you to be ashamed. Like when I was being taught math; ya know how they make you get up in front of the class etc.

Goddamn, though. I love that rebel vein in you!