![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ljgeoffI was driving back home from dropping Luke off at Headstart (preschool) and for some reason I was thinking about Brent. I really don't know why. I've been feeling kinda stressed out lately - out of sorts, I guess. I have a weird way of processing emotional stuff. It brews in my subconscious, bubbling like a witches cauldron, bringing up all kinds of feelings without really, hmm, bookmarking what or where those feelings come from.
I have had this feeling for some time now that I want to go see Brent. Not really visit with him, or even talk to him, but just see him. I don't really know why. Mike's worried that it's obsession, but I don't think so. I realized, driving there in the car, that it has something to do with power. I need to see that he's not the boogie man, and that he doesn't have any power over me.
I wish, wish, wish that he and I could get to a place where he would acknowledge what happened. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. I wonder if he can possibly remember things the way that I remember. But I know that he punched me and kicked me, pulled my hair and spit on me, called me fat cow and stupid and whore . After six years, I left him thinking that I was nothing; that any man who saw me would see a lying, scheming, twisted, stupid cow of a woman.
Greg wrote to me a litany of faults, all the reasons why he didn't want anything to do with me. And I'd have to say that I agreed with all of them, except for one. He said that I stole Brent's credit card. Man, that burned me up! Because, dammit, Brent gave me that credit card to use. "In case of emergency," he said. Well, I did indeed use it. I kept all of the receipts, and then I mailed him a money order and the card. I think that it came to $156 or so.
I am so incredibly angry. For so many years, I thought that it was all my fault. If only I'd been a better person, wiser, more sane, none of the bad things would have happened. I really don't know what to do to get rid of this crappy feeling. I know that I'll never get my acknowledgment; I'm sure that there'll never be any 'closure'.
I think that it has to do with forgiveness. At least, for me. I will think about that some more, forgiveness. It is very hard without the acknowledgment. If I can ignore the fact that he'd be offended at the very idea. Dammit, dammit, dammit, this isn't about him.
I have had this feeling for some time now that I want to go see Brent. Not really visit with him, or even talk to him, but just see him. I don't really know why. Mike's worried that it's obsession, but I don't think so. I realized, driving there in the car, that it has something to do with power. I need to see that he's not the boogie man, and that he doesn't have any power over me.
I wish, wish, wish that he and I could get to a place where he would acknowledge what happened. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers. I wonder if he can possibly remember things the way that I remember. But I know that he punched me and kicked me, pulled my hair and spit on me, called me fat cow and stupid and whore . After six years, I left him thinking that I was nothing; that any man who saw me would see a lying, scheming, twisted, stupid cow of a woman.
Greg wrote to me a litany of faults, all the reasons why he didn't want anything to do with me. And I'd have to say that I agreed with all of them, except for one. He said that I stole Brent's credit card. Man, that burned me up! Because, dammit, Brent gave me that credit card to use. "In case of emergency," he said. Well, I did indeed use it. I kept all of the receipts, and then I mailed him a money order and the card. I think that it came to $156 or so.
I am so incredibly angry. For so many years, I thought that it was all my fault. If only I'd been a better person, wiser, more sane, none of the bad things would have happened. I really don't know what to do to get rid of this crappy feeling. I know that I'll never get my acknowledgment; I'm sure that there'll never be any 'closure'.
I think that it has to do with forgiveness. At least, for me. I will think about that some more, forgiveness. It is very hard without the acknowledgment. If I can ignore the fact that he'd be offended at the very idea. Dammit, dammit, dammit, this isn't about him.