(no subject)
Jun. 8th, 2006 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ljgeoffHaving polyamourous relationships is complicated. Or is it that being a polyamourous person is complicated? I always forget how that goes.
Mike's been gone the last year in Iraq. Now he's back. I love being with him. I love being with Len. Time and scheduling is becoming a headache. And things are just...complicated.
This weekend, Mike is going down to Lansing to see his gf Joyce. He'll be getting his school stuff in order, and working out where he's gonna live while he's going to school. He might be living with Joyce, but she's not sure that she'll be able to handle that. This is her first poly relationship (though she and her bf had an "agreement" while she was in Iraq), and she worried about getting too attached and then having to let him go to another woman.
Len is really unhappy about his lack of a primary partner. And that's how he feels about it - a definite hole in his life. The chances that he'll find a partner who'll be ok with poly is pretty slim. I know that it's useless to worry about it now, but the uncertainty weighs on me. At the same time, I feel really uncomfortable with him needing me. It makes me feel not so much a partner as a commodity or necessary asset. I know that's not how he sees me, and I love him and think that he's a sweet, loving man. But, still, I can't help from being uncomfortable with what I see as his lack of self-acceptance. It's that angsty - "I hate myself/I'm a horrible person/why would anyone want to be with me" that needs constant reassurance because it simply can't believe that anyone would really want to partner with them.
I was planning to spend some extra time with Len this weekend, but an old friend called today and asked if I wanted to bring the boys and come camping down in the wilds of Wisconsin. I've been promising the boys a camping trip, so I was quick to snap up his offer. He's an old friend who's known the boys since they were babies. He's been addicted to drugs since I've known him, and now he's trying (again) to clean up his act. So he's trying to do stuff with his non-using friends, just stay out of that scene. We'll take the boys fishing and toast marshmallows over the fire, and all that camping stuff. Oh, yeah, and his wife left him a couple of months ago, so maybe he's, ah, lonely. Not sure how I feel about that. And Len is going to be disappointed that I'm not going to be spending the weekend with him.
Mike's been gone the last year in Iraq. Now he's back. I love being with him. I love being with Len. Time and scheduling is becoming a headache. And things are just...complicated.
This weekend, Mike is going down to Lansing to see his gf Joyce. He'll be getting his school stuff in order, and working out where he's gonna live while he's going to school. He might be living with Joyce, but she's not sure that she'll be able to handle that. This is her first poly relationship (though she and her bf had an "agreement" while she was in Iraq), and she worried about getting too attached and then having to let him go to another woman.
Len is really unhappy about his lack of a primary partner. And that's how he feels about it - a definite hole in his life. The chances that he'll find a partner who'll be ok with poly is pretty slim. I know that it's useless to worry about it now, but the uncertainty weighs on me. At the same time, I feel really uncomfortable with him needing me. It makes me feel not so much a partner as a commodity or necessary asset. I know that's not how he sees me, and I love him and think that he's a sweet, loving man. But, still, I can't help from being uncomfortable with what I see as his lack of self-acceptance. It's that angsty - "I hate myself/I'm a horrible person/why would anyone want to be with me" that needs constant reassurance because it simply can't believe that anyone would really want to partner with them.
I was planning to spend some extra time with Len this weekend, but an old friend called today and asked if I wanted to bring the boys and come camping down in the wilds of Wisconsin. I've been promising the boys a camping trip, so I was quick to snap up his offer. He's an old friend who's known the boys since they were babies. He's been addicted to drugs since I've known him, and now he's trying (again) to clean up his act. So he's trying to do stuff with his non-using friends, just stay out of that scene. We'll take the boys fishing and toast marshmallows over the fire, and all that camping stuff. Oh, yeah, and his wife left him a couple of months ago, so maybe he's, ah, lonely. Not sure how I feel about that. And Len is going to be disappointed that I'm not going to be spending the weekend with him.