(no subject)
Apr. 8th, 2007 10:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ljgeoffI think I'm just tired. I can't focus on anything. I just had a great talk with Len. But it's all so confusing. Right now I don't want to think about it. I'm not angry or even really sad, just ... I just want to pretend, just for a while, that nothing has changed.
Aarg - ok, I'm going to write about this.
Len and I are not primary partners. We *like* being secondary partners. We both love each other very much. Len has met a lovely woman and they have fallen in love and want to have a primary relationship, but she wants a monogamous relationship. This should be a no-brainer!
Tonight he said, "I don't want to loose you! I can't do this! I don't want to hurt anybody!" and variations for over an hour. And we talked about how much we mean to each other. And we talked about how much he loves Tammy and how perfect they are for each other.
And here we still are, in the same spot. Except that now I'm really tired and feel kinda headachy and sick to my stomach from eating too many jelly beans.
A part of me is thinking, well, all we have to do is not have sex. That's really not that hard. And it's not. But... I don't know how to put it into words. We don't feel any different. We still love each other, are still *in love* with each other. How can that be monogamy? Even if we don't have sex?
It feels like cheating. And I hate that. And I don't know what to do.
Aarg - ok, I'm going to write about this.
Len and I are not primary partners. We *like* being secondary partners. We both love each other very much. Len has met a lovely woman and they have fallen in love and want to have a primary relationship, but she wants a monogamous relationship. This should be a no-brainer!
Tonight he said, "I don't want to loose you! I can't do this! I don't want to hurt anybody!" and variations for over an hour. And we talked about how much we mean to each other. And we talked about how much he loves Tammy and how perfect they are for each other.
And here we still are, in the same spot. Except that now I'm really tired and feel kinda headachy and sick to my stomach from eating too many jelly beans.
A part of me is thinking, well, all we have to do is not have sex. That's really not that hard. And it's not. But... I don't know how to put it into words. We don't feel any different. We still love each other, are still *in love* with each other. How can that be monogamy? Even if we don't have sex?
It feels like cheating. And I hate that. And I don't know what to do.
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-09 04:28 am (UTC)I'm not sure it's fair of him to ask you to be his support system for that issue, though.
And it's for sure not required for you to be his support system for that issue.
As for your still being in love with each other - I believe one can change behavior directly but cannot change feelings directly. Feelings can change over time to line up with behavior.
I think it's unreasonable for anyone to expect that your "in-love" feelings would just vanish overnight because someone said "I'm gonna be monogamous now." (I don't know if anyone is really expecting that. I gather you kind of wish it were the case, but that's different.)
(no subject)
Date: 2007-04-09 06:13 am (UTC)(That's not to say that you can't be happy, or comfort him... just that it's not fair for him to ask. Or, more appropriately, not fair for him to take any chance of laying a guilt trip on you if you can't be happy or comforting.)