a kind of poll

[ljgeoff]

Sorry, no clicky boxes -- answer if you feel moved.

Part One: I'm curious to see how people define the difference between loving someone and being in love. How does it work for you? Is being in love simply infatuation?

For myself, I define "being in love" as the love I feel when I'm in a Relationship. I define loving someone as what I'd feel for a beloved friend. While I trust, admire and feel a commitment to my beloved friends, it's a looser feeling and the desire for intimacy-- physical, emotional and intellectual -- is less.

There is also a strong desire for life entwinement when I'm in love, compared to loving someone. And while I want to see and be close to the people I love, being separated from someone I'm in love with is very difficult.

Part Two: Does your feelings of loving someone or being in love wax and wane? Do you have a love rheostat? Or is it more like a switch? How do you feel about people you used be in love with?

For myself, while my desire for different kinds of intimacy may fluctuate, my feeling of being in love is more like a switch -- it's either on or off. Once I'm in love with someone, it takes a strong, constant effort on my part to change that feeling, and all I've been able to change being in love to is different degrees of loving someone -- usually we never talk, but it's like I hold them in my heart.

Bonus point question: Have you ever stayed close to someone when your relationship was uneven? When one person loved, and the other was in love? How did that work?

Comments

[amaebi]

Interesting questions, with the first one particularly difficult.

I'll try to think about it and answer, but it will almost surely have to be ex post Parks.

[johnpalmer]

I don't really know. Being "in love" for me probably includes sex. Even if we decided to put sex on hold indefinitely, being in love means I'm "not having sex with...".

Hm. Like, "Are you Catholic?" "Yes." "How often do you go to church?" "Well, I don't, not really." "So you're not a Catholic." "I most certainly am! The church *I* don't go to is a *CATHOLIC* church!"

Now: I don't know if that's cultural conditioning. Sex of sorts has been part of all of my relationships. I've never imagined being in a relationship in which we weren't at least "not having sex at this time, no real plans to start any time in the future."

I could see loving someone so much that I was willing to live as I needed to live to be with her... but I don't know that I'd call that "in love" if there wasn't some kind of sexy-type of intimacy... if we didn't do so much as feel really good lying in bed, skin to skin. But I don't know - it could be a limit of my imagination.

I don't know if love waxes and wanes - my *happiness* does. Does my love? I don't know - it's hard for someone with chronic mood/fatigue issues to judge. I tend to think of my love as being like a switch - e.g., I was feeling bitterly angry toward an ex-, and then saw a picture of her, being happy, and realized with a nasty stabby feeling that yes, I wanted her to be happy.

("Nasty stabby feeling" - like *I* was being stabbed. Not like I *wanted* to stab.)

Have I ever stayed close... hah! No, see, I'm useful and happy-making for a bit, then people learn the real me, and vanish, usually suddenly. Which is one of the reasons why February was unusually crushing for me. "See, it *always* happens, sooner or later."

Sorry - let me rephrase that to "I've remained loving, but never had the opportunity to stay close."

[bibliofile]

"I most certainly am! The church *I* don't go to is a *CATHOLIC* church!"

Don't forget, the Church considers you forever a Catholic til death do you part. THat's a tad annoying for me, as I made it only as far as baptism, myself, and so the Church and I disagree. I understand that you can also ask a regional authority for a formal release/rejection, but I can't be bothered (yet).

[johnpalmer]

If my use of "Catholic" in my example offends you, feel free to change it to "Presbyterian" or "Episcopalian" or whatever other branch is less bothersome. My only point was that a person might feel that they are defined by *what* they aren't doing, even if one could argue that definition doesn't hold because they *aren't* doing it.

[bibliofile]

Yeah, interesting questions!

I once read a book, Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov, that gave the in-love thing a name (limerence). Apparently some people never experience it? Which I find depressing, as I quite liked the experiences I had.

[ljgeoff]

I've seen limerence used mostly for the feeling you get when you have a crush, or that first flush of falling in love, all full of Disney chemicals.

That doesn't match with my personal definition of being in love. Really, it's so confusing to even talk about with all the personal, pop culture and scientific definitions.

[serene]

Part One: I'm curious to see how people define the difference between loving someone and being in love. How does it work for you? Is being in love simply infatuation?

I don't spend a lot of energy figuring this one out, these days, not since alt.poly pretty much convinced me that relationships can find their own levels even if they don't fit a very specific box. That said, I guess "in love" would imply to me something clearly romantic/sexual, and something pretty active, versus "loving someone" which could mean any number of things, not necessarily romantic/sexual love.

For myself, I define "being in love" as the love I feel when I'm in a Relationship. I define loving someone as what I'd feel for a beloved friend. While I trust, admire and feel a commitment to my beloved friends, it's a looser feeling and the desire for intimacy-- physical, emotional and intellectual -- is less.

Seems reasonable to me.

There is also a strong desire for life entwinement when I'm in love, compared to loving someone. And while I want to see and be close to the people I love, being separated from someone I'm in love with is very difficult.

For me, this varies with the person.

Part Two: Does your feelings of loving someone or being in love wax and wane? Do you have a love rheostat? Or is it more like a switch? How do you feel about people you used be in love with?

Another tough (but good) question. The sexual component of things appears to disappear for me if I stop liking the person, which can be weird when I'm in a committed romantic relationship with them. And it appears that the sexual component is part of what means "in love" to me in the way you're talking about, so yeah, complicated. I don't ever stop loving them, but I certainly can stop wanting to pursue a relationship with them, and definitely stop wanting sex with them when it goes south that way.

For myself, while my desire for different kinds of intimacy may fluctuate, my feeling of being in love is more like a switch -- it's either on or off. Once I'm in love with someone, it takes a strong, constant effort on my part to change that feeling, and all I've been able to change being in love to is different degrees of loving someone -- usually we never talk, but it's like I hold them in my heart.

Yes. Maybe I have that switch (if "in love" is romantic/sexual, anyway). I have abruptly stopped wanting romance/sex with people and not known what to do next, because I still care about them, love them, etc.

Bonus point question: Have you ever stayed close to someone when your relationship was uneven? When one person loved, and the other was in love? How did that work?

Tried and failed a few times. With one person, I feel like we remained close friends who love each other -- even family -- but I think zie was in love with me and I merely felt benevolent love, and I didn't know what to do about that.