it's just life; get used to it
Apr. 17th, 2018 06:20 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ljgeoffA couple of days ago, Mike said, "You have a lot of people who depend on you. You need to take better care of yourself." It surprised me that he would say something like this because though I know that he cares for me, Mike is about the least nurturing person that I know.
On getting older: I don't seem to get very hungry, and I can only sleep if I'm really super tired. Also, I don't like the fact that my muscle strength is waning. And the brain explodey memory stuff; that stuff sucks. I liked being physically strong and have always used that part of me hard. And if there was one thing I could always count on, it was my brain and being able to cope with a lot of things being thrown at me at once. Really, I've always used all of me pre' damned hard.
So, the house thing with Sam and Kayla has fallen through because my student loans are all fucked up.
Last year, I applied for a re-consolidation of my student loans. I have some $90K in student loan debt, more than half of which is interest. So I went to the government site and got a list of my loans and most of the amounts, the older loans from the 1980s and 1990s were zeroed out. Gone. I assumed that they had been cleared up in the bankruptcy, because they weren't on my credit report either. I have $20K of post 2000 loans that I got out of default and consolidated into an income based repayment loan.
Unbeknownst to me and the bank, the loans had been sent back to the Department of Education. The Department of Education didn't send me anything to let me know that the loans were there. There was really no way for me to know that the loans were there other than the way I found out: I have a CAIVRS number.
"Currently, there is no way for individuals to find out whether they have a clear CAIVRS report, as access to the internet database is granted only to participating federal agencies and authorized private lenders that administer federal loan programs.
If you are applying for an FHA-backed loan, ask your lender to run a CAIVRS report first. This will let you know early in the process whether you need to pay other debts (or get creditor verification that you’ve paid a debt), because you cannot receive a federally backed mortgage if you’re on CAIVRS." Understanding the FHA CAIVRS Report
Of course, I didn't know any of that because I'd never heard of CAIVRS.
Anyway. Sam and Kayla are really ... upset. Not so much with me because I did really try and not only was I blindsided by all of this but the damned lender who you would think would know this stuff was blindsided by it too -- but still kinda damned upset with me because I made a really big, really important promise that I couldn't keep.
My loans will be out of default in November. Sam and Kayla and their daughter Torrin are going to live with us until June, when school is out, and then they're going to decide what to do. They're hoping to move back to the UP.
It all makes me feel fail-y, incompetent, and unreliable. Those were all labels that my parents hung on since I can remember and I've felt squashed by those labels and then operated under the most urgent need to escape from that since I can remember.
*bleh*
I was just thinking to myself that I can't think of a time when anyone ever promised me anything big. Is that the key? That making big promises isn't the norm? But I'm a promise-y kind of person. I don't think I can stop that.
On getting older: I don't seem to get very hungry, and I can only sleep if I'm really super tired. Also, I don't like the fact that my muscle strength is waning. And the brain explodey memory stuff; that stuff sucks. I liked being physically strong and have always used that part of me hard. And if there was one thing I could always count on, it was my brain and being able to cope with a lot of things being thrown at me at once. Really, I've always used all of me pre' damned hard.
So, the house thing with Sam and Kayla has fallen through because my student loans are all fucked up.
Last year, I applied for a re-consolidation of my student loans. I have some $90K in student loan debt, more than half of which is interest. So I went to the government site and got a list of my loans and most of the amounts, the older loans from the 1980s and 1990s were zeroed out. Gone. I assumed that they had been cleared up in the bankruptcy, because they weren't on my credit report either. I have $20K of post 2000 loans that I got out of default and consolidated into an income based repayment loan.
Unbeknownst to me and the bank, the loans had been sent back to the Department of Education. The Department of Education didn't send me anything to let me know that the loans were there. There was really no way for me to know that the loans were there other than the way I found out: I have a CAIVRS number.
"Currently, there is no way for individuals to find out whether they have a clear CAIVRS report, as access to the internet database is granted only to participating federal agencies and authorized private lenders that administer federal loan programs.
If you are applying for an FHA-backed loan, ask your lender to run a CAIVRS report first. This will let you know early in the process whether you need to pay other debts (or get creditor verification that you’ve paid a debt), because you cannot receive a federally backed mortgage if you’re on CAIVRS." Understanding the FHA CAIVRS Report
Of course, I didn't know any of that because I'd never heard of CAIVRS.
Anyway. Sam and Kayla are really ... upset. Not so much with me because I did really try and not only was I blindsided by all of this but the damned lender who you would think would know this stuff was blindsided by it too -- but still kinda damned upset with me because I made a really big, really important promise that I couldn't keep.
My loans will be out of default in November. Sam and Kayla and their daughter Torrin are going to live with us until June, when school is out, and then they're going to decide what to do. They're hoping to move back to the UP.
It all makes me feel fail-y, incompetent, and unreliable. Those were all labels that my parents hung on since I can remember and I've felt squashed by those labels and then operated under the most urgent need to escape from that since I can remember.
*bleh*
I was just thinking to myself that I can't think of a time when anyone ever promised me anything big. Is that the key? That making big promises isn't the norm? But I'm a promise-y kind of person. I don't think I can stop that.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-17 07:16 pm (UTC)But the Big Evil here is the Student Loan Empire, which is part of the huge conspiracy which is trying to make sure that no one who doesn't already have five homes ever gets another one. And I hope you don't blame yourself for that.
(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-21 03:10 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2018-04-27 06:00 am (UTC)If that doesn't work, tell the spirits of fear and shame that you know a Shaman who'll get medieval on their ass, and send them a link to the Pulp Fiction scene so they know what it means. (And yeah, they put enough people in the same state as Mr. Wallace when he makes that threat, I'll be happy to come meet them with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch. Spiritually speaking, of course..)
It's true, big promises for people in your situation aren't the norm. And it really sucks when a promise can't work out. I don't know if you can stop making promises, but maybe there are times you should be careful about what kind of promises you make. There's an old joke about not letting your mouth write a check that reality won't cash.