(no subject)

[ljgeoff]

Shirt is done. Van has complications -- namely, we can't buy the "new" van from the junkyard because they don't have the title. So we're gonna borrow my dad's Blazer.

I'm not sure if grigorii is going to come. He's pretty depressed right now and doesn't want to do anything.

I had an epiphany the other day. I was talking to Mike about the problem I have of dealing with Len's black moods -- that is, I don't. I suddenly realized that the only other men I knew who got in moods like that always lashed out. When you tell someone that you love them, and get the reply - "Well you're pretty stupid, then." I dunno, I mean, I know that it was the depression talking, but it still used to hurt.

Damn, I just had a horrible flashback. I can remember trying to cheer Brent up and having him mock me. I don't think that Len would do that, and if he did, I'd deal with it ok. But it's just amazing how a decades-old hurt can reach out and grab you.

There's such a feeling of helplessness, and anger at the helplessness, too. Very complex stuff. All that fear, helplessness and anger wrapped all around with love and honest concern.


Mike went on a bag run, so I'll walk to work. I'd like to go by Len's tonight, if he wants me to. I was up at 6:30 this morning - bleh, I'm gonna be tired. Dear, sweet beloved man.

Comments

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Big *empathy* on the depressed-sweetie issue. I've got that, too, and like you, my prior experience had been with people whose bad moods wound up targeted in my direction. johnpalmer doesn't do that, but he does sometimes have brief - and loud - outbursts of frustration; it took me a while understand that they aren't directed at me, and to stop letting them scare me.