(no subject)

I think I'm just tired. I can't focus on anything. I just had a great talk with Len. But it's all so confusing. Right now I don't want to think about it. I'm not angry or even really sad, just ... I just want to pretend, just for a while, that nothing has changed.

Aarg - ok, I'm going to write about this.

Len and I are not primary partners. We *like* being secondary partners. We both love each other very much. Len has met a lovely woman and they have fallen in love and want to have a primary relationship, but she wants a monogamous relationship. This should be a no-brainer!

Tonight he said, "I don't want to loose you! I can't do this! I don't want to hurt anybody!" and variations for over an hour. And we talked about how much we mean to each other. And we talked about how much he loves Tammy and how perfect they are for each other.

And here we still are, in the same spot. Except that now I'm really tired and feel kinda headachy and sick to my stomach from eating too many jelly beans.

A part of me is thinking, well, all we have to do is not have sex. That's really not that hard. And it's not. But... I don't know how to put it into words. We don't feel any different. We still love each other, are still *in love* with each other. How can that be monogamy? Even if we don't have sex?

It feels like cheating. And I hate that. And I don't know what to do.